I'm not okay.
I keep thinking I'm okay, that I've moved past the hardness and heartache and that I am fully engaged in the present and the hope and positivity that is there. And then I'm not okay.
It usually comes on suddenly. A tsunami of anger, overwhelm, sadness, loneliness. Loneliness is the one that hits my soul the hardest. Even typing out the word loneliness causes my eyes to start to swell up, my heart to squeeze, and my chest to cave in.
It makes sense to me after months of struggling with these feelings. The simple fact is that I do feel lonely. Alone.
And even though I am very good being alone. I am not the type of person that needs to have people surrounding her all of the time. I am what I like to call an Upbeat Introvert, because I am definitely NOT an extrovert, but I am friendly and outgoing so people see that and equate it to being extroverted. I'm not. I am simply an upbeat, outgoing introvert that is used to being, and happy being, alone.
However, this feeling of loneliness goes much deeper and further into the recesses of my brain and my spirit than simply being an introvert or extrovert. It's about being loved and accepted. Deep in my core. As I am. No changes necessary.
As I write this the big picture of the last few years is laid out in my mind like a long timeline of how I got here, and why I feel this way. And I have to say, I don't blame myself for being in such a hard place emotionally (not that blame is necessary). I can simply see how I got here and it's totally understandable.
That's why I am writing and sharing. Because I want to unpack and lay out my history, my emotional rollercoaster of a life that has been tied up like a ball of yarn, so heavy that it feels like a large rock sitting in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes forgotten, sometimes a little bit unraveled, but never fully dealt with, and with me wherever I go.
I realize I am not okay and I am doing something about it. This is one of those things that I am doing.
If you're curious what else I am doing to help me be okay. To help me be better and lighter and happier. And not just on the surface, and not just an inch or two deep, but truly happier - like every molecule is happier. Here's the current plan.
Erin's Plan to be More than Okay
Write. Share. Unpack and unburden.
Talk to a therapist.
Refocus and recommit to daily self-care habits and rituals.
Travel more often.
Hike more often.
Connect, truly connect, with friends more often.
Embrace down time to recharge.
Essentially, I am reprioritizing the things that create my necessary foundation of stability and strength that I am so desperately missing and so desperately need.
This is my plan. This is why I am writing.
And I hope that by reading this you'll realize that if you're not okay, that it's okay. And it can get better.
Let's end this with my intention for the day.